Why me?

Apollo hospital’s board loomed up large, and she asked her driver to stop. She got down and made her way into the hospital. She felt sick. She hated hospitals. They brought back memories which were best stowed away. The reception was abuzz with patients, and their relatives. The antiseptic smell invaded every inch of her being, and she felt her body shudder a bit. She could hear some vague announcements being made, and all over she felt the atmosphere of gloom.

She made her way to the 2nd floor, where the gynaecology department was located. She was there to meet her friend, Dr. Jamuna Gupta. Her daughter had insisted that she had something important to tell her, and that she would meet her at the hospital. Her daughter; Anushka. She smiled. A frown followed. What did she want to discuss in the presence of Dr. Jamuna Gupta?

She waited inside the office, as Dr. Gupta wasn’t in yet. As she looked around, she studied her reflection in the glass top table. At 55, she didn’t look a day over 40. She and Anushka were often referred to as sisters. Today, she had tied her long straight hair in a bun, the way she did when she was pre-occupied. She had been in this exact same office, 30 years back.

“Hi Doctor Gupta, this is my husband Anuj. We are here to discuss the test results.”

“Hello.Yes, Dr. Rane has discussed your case with me.”

“As you know, we have been trying to conceive for the last 5 years now. We are anxious .”

“Unfortunately, I don’t have good news. Your tests have confirmed that there is a problem with both of you. Anuj has a low sperm count, and your ovaries are not supporting the formation of the ovum.”

“So what does that mean?”

“That means, there is a very high chance that you may not be able to conceive.”

The words hit her like a bullet, and she slumped in her chair. Anuj was the first to recover.

“So what are our options doctor?”

“Look, you can try IVF, but Anamika has gone through a lot in the last 5 years with the tests and the hormone injections etc. I fear her body may not be able to take it.

“So does that mean we have to reconcile to the fact that we may never have kids?” Anamika broke down.

“You can keep trying. Or there is another option……”

They left the hospital in silence. Anuj dropped her home, and rushed for a meeting with his clients. It was typical of him to drown himself in work. Anamika remained in her room for the remainder of the day, thinking of how her life had taken a turn for the worse. She remembered all the statements her friends used to make.

“Oh Anamika, you are so good with children. I can only imagine how well you will handle your own.”

“You and Anuj will have such beautiful children. In fact, you must have a baby girl, who will look exactly like you.”

And nothing could be farther from the truth. It pained her to not have a child of her own.

Not a day, went by, when she asked God, “Why me?”

Her in-laws were supportive people, and they never pressurized her. That only made her feel guiltier. What kind of a daughter-in-law was she?

And Anuj? Although the doctor had said, that the problem was with both of them, she knew it was mainly with her. What had she given him in return?

She cried herself to sleep, only to be woken by Anuj with a bowl of soup.

“Darling, you haven’t eaten anything all day.”

“Why me Anuj? Why us? What have we ever done to deserve this?”

“Time will answer that question my love. Tomorrow we are going to Ambar Bal Sanstha.”

“That NGO?”

“Yes, I have already made an appointment to see them.”

“But Adoption….? Are you sure?...I mean…..”

“Sshhh. Let’s just go there tomorrow and see.”

The next morning, they were at the NGO, and were being taken around by the matron –in-charge. Anamika looked around nervously. She wasn’t sure what she was doing there.

“Do you have girls mostly?”

“Well, no, but the boys get adopted very soon.”

She then took them to the cottage which housed the new borns. The room had a dozen babies, all aged between 2 weeks to 3 months. What had they done to deserve being abandoned?

As she made her way to the end of the room, a baby started crying. She looked around, but none of the nurses were in sight. Anuj and the matron too had moved ahead. She gingerly picked the baby up. She would have been less than a month old, had long eyelashes, and big beautiful eyes.
Anamika felt a warm rush through her body, and the baby stopped crying.
The nurse ran into the room, and took the baby from her arms.

“We have named her Anushka. She just came to us 3 days ago. Her mother committed suicide, and left a note along with her. She wanted her to be placed in a loving family. Nowadays most people want boys you see. Who will adopt all these girls?

Anamika felt tears streaming down her eyes, and she ran to find Anuj and the matron.

It took them 6 months of arduous paperwork to ensure that Anushka came home. During those 6 months, none of them slept fitfully. They would keep thinking about Anushka, and wonder how she was doing.

Life changed for Anamika. Both of them doted on Anushka, and as she grew up they told her that she was adopted, and so special for them. And yet , Anamika always had a certain emptiness within her. She would keep worrying about whether her daughter would conceive when she grew up. She didn’t want her to go through what she had gone through, and wanted to protect her.

Anushka grew up to be a bright girl. She was happily married to her batchmate from IIM Bangalore for the last 5 years.

And yet, she had found herself back in this office today. She had been nervous about Anushka conceiving. She would bring up the topic with her, only for it to be avoided, and this had raised her anxiety levels day by day.

Would Anushka face the same problems she had? Would she be forced to go through those traumatic tests, and needle pricking only to learn that nothing was possible?

How would Anuj handle his daughter going through this? Wasn’t it enough that he had seen his wife brave it all?

Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be. The old feeling of “Why me” started creeping back into her being.

“Hi Anamika. You are looking lovely as usual. How are you?”

“I’m ok Jamuna. What is this all about?”

“Lets wait for Anushka; she should be here any minute.”

“But, what is this all about? Why are we meeting here, and like this?

“Hi Mom. Hi Jamuna Aunty.”

“Anushka, darling. What is this about?”

“Let me catch my breath first Mom. There is something really important that I want to discuss. Look, you know how you want me to have a baby. But there is something I want to tell you.”

“Jamuna, is there a problem with Anushka? Is she not able to conceive? She is still young; we can do the IVF etc right?”

“Oh relax; there is nothing wrong with Anushka. She is perfectly fine, and can conceive a baby anytime she so wishes.”

“Oh. That’s great news. I am so relieved. You had me scared. So, are you pregnant then?”

“No, mom. I know you want me to conceive, and experience the joys of being pregnant and have a child of my own. But look at me today. I am so successful because, you and Dad decided to adopt me. Had you not done that, where would I have been?”

“I know Anu, but I don’t understand where is this all leading to?”

“Mom, you made a difference to my life, when you picked me up for the first time, and brought me home. I want to do the same to someone else. You gave me more than even my biological mother could have. There is a little girl out there who deserves that too. I will have my own child some day. But my first child, I want to adopt. That’s the reason i wanted Jamuna aunty to be here when I told you this.”

She stood stunned. She never realized she made such an impact on Anushka’s life. She had always thought that Anushka had filled a void in her life, never thinking that she had done the same for her.

Anuj and Rahul walked in carrying a small bundle of pink. And in Rahul’s arms lay a baby exactly like she had seen her daughter.

“Janhavi, meet your grand-mom, and grand-dad. They are the ones responsible for you being here.”

As she held her in her arms, she felt all her tears wash the emptiness away. She had found the answer to the one question she had held in her heart all these years.