Twisted....

Twisted

I love you, but I don’t want to live with you.

I like you, but not enough to fulfill my vow.

I hate you, but not enough to cut you out of my life.

I despise you, but not enough to move on with mine.

Twisted, bound, our lives are entwined.

The harder I let go, the firmer the knot.

Black and white is how it should be,

But all that exist are shades of grey.

What is right, and what is wrong?

Maybe nothing and everything all at once.

I wake up in the morning, and still miss you.

I want to update you of everything important in my life..

But twisted we are, cause I still don’t want to fight.

I don’t want to fight for our love..

For what it once was and what it could be one day..

People ask me, What happened to you both?

The ideal couple that couldn’t live up to its perfect image..

We were never perfect, always twisted.

Older and wiser, Now I know what we were,

I know we could never be, what we had set out to become.

Foolhardy, naïve, and all that we were.

Why didn’t we accept that we were not meant to be?

Hanging by a thread, we continued for eternity,

Till that frail thread that held us, almost snapped.

And now we are right where we began…

Working too hard to keep the thread whole,

Secretly hoping it breaks off on its own.

I love you, but I don’t want to live with you.

I like you, but not enough to fulfill my vow.

I hate you, but not enough to cut you out of my life.

I despise you, but not enough to move on with mine.

      Twisted is what we are, You and me.

 Still together and yet afar.

An open letter to the Mom who complained to me about my son…..

 

Dear Mom who complained to me...

You knocked on my door the other day, and asked me if my son had told me anything. When I looked clueless, you proceeded to inform me about what had conspired and culminated in my son kicking your child.

I want to thank you for bringing it to my notice. Else I wouldn’t have realised that my son lied to me. Covering up and burying a mistake that he made? Well surely that’s not normal.

The day that incident happened, I saw you discussing something in hushed tones with another mom. You became quiet as soon as I approached. I knew then that something had happened, and asked my son. But alas, he lied to me and acted as if nothing had happened!

Thank you for waiting three days to tell me about this incident. You went through the trouble to corroborate the incident with all the 6 boys who were playing together, and discussed with someone else’s Mom first before talking to me. If not for you, I would never have found out that my son lied to me.

Thank you for recounting to me the events that led to my child kicking yours. You told me in detail how all the kids were in a small tent, except my son, and how they weren’t being mean by not allowing him inside. There just wasn’t enough space! It helped me understand the situation much better.

Thank you for helping me realise , that my kid is probably going through a tough transition given that we moved countries, and I should spend even more time with him.

Thank you for telling me that he also tore a new tent that your boys had opened, and emphasising that it was brand new. Thank you for also declining my offer when I offered to buy a new one, and then when I insisted, thank you for saying that I could just buy the cheapest one available.

Thank you for highlighting this incident to me, if not for you, my son would never have learnt the consequence of lying to his parents. Thanks to you, I was able to tell my son, that he may do anything wrong outside, but he must must must tell his parents!

Thank you for making me realise that a group of 6 boys playing together with only a maid supervising them is a recipe for disaster. I should have learnt this two weeks back, when one of your boys hit my son in the head with a metal train. But, I was too busy letting children be children, to come and have a serious discussion with you.

Thank you for making me realise, that I want to stand by my son against the world in all his mistakes, and help him correct them, and never repeat them again. This helped us come much closer together.

And lastly, Thank you for complimenting my dress and telling me that I looked good at the end of the discussion. It really made my self-esteem soar.  

 

5 types of Moms you will meet at the playground

Over the last few years I have spent most of my evenings with my boys in the playground. This post has been achieved through some painstaking research , all done on the field while running behind an hyperactive toddler ! 

So read on , and please note that this is a work of fiction and any resemblance to any person living is merely a coincidence and completely accidental . 

The type A, I have it all together Mom:

This mom has it all together. She is a veteran at being a mom. Her kids are well behaved and listen at the first call . Everything in her life is systematic including their extra curricular activities  and play dates. Her children eat the most nutritious food and she keeps getting asked how she does it? Oh and did I forget to say she is an amazing home baker too! She loves kids ( seriously !) and takes care of all the children around too. at The envy of the playground :) but secretly all moms are afraid of her because she makes them feel seriously inadequate .

The Bindass ( carefree) Mom:

She couldn't be any more different from the type A Mom! She is the one who chats with her friends while her kids are running around. She isn't hovering around their every fall or every move. She is known to disappear for long periods of time but is never worried because there is always a Type A mom around to take care of her kids. She is a great mom , and is the envy of the others due to her effortless parenting style ! They all want to be like her but can't ! 

The in between Mom! 

This mom walks the tightrope between the type A mom and the Bindass (carefree )mom ! She wants to be Bindass (carefree )and effortless , but the mere shriek of her kids anywhere in the playground has her running over. She would like to be the type A mom , but she can't bake , nor can she be strict and her kids turn a deaf ear whenever she calls for them. She tries a bit of this and that and gives up to achieve something in between. That's why she is just that . An in between mom! This is the most common mom you will find and on the plus her kids totally adore her. 

The Hands-free Mom! 

This Mom has grown up kids over the age of ten or mostly teens who require none of her attention whatsoever .She is only at the playground to chat with her friends and offer her sage advice, or make lunch or coffee plans. Most moms are envious of her , as they long for the day when they too will be hands free , and she gives them hope that one day they too will be like her. She secretly wishes though , that her kids didn't grow up so fast, and happily takes care of the many kids at the playground ! 

The Working Mom! 

She is the one who shows up to the playground once in a while. She will also be the mom who looks and smells the best! She looks fresh, and is actually happy to accompany her child to the playground as its a rare occasion for her. She is out of the loop on many things and hence spends a lot of time asking numerous questions to the other Moms! She looks at the other moms with envy since they get to spend so much time with their kids. Little does she know that they look at her in a mixture of awe and envy, wondering how does she manage to do it all!

But needless to say, whatever type of mom you may be or may see around , one thing never changes! Their love and commitment to their children! And there's just so much to learn from each Mom !

I know which one I am .. And you ???

Antidote to fear !!!

For the last few months , I had a niggling pain in my breast. After months of procrastination , I scheduled a check up with my OB-gyn.

She met me for five minutes , checked me and asked me to do a mammogram , a USG, and a blood test.

Just hearing the word mammogram had me filled with dread. My heart was beating fast and tears welled up in my eyes. 

As I sat waiting for my blood to be drawn, my fear accelerated and by the time I left the doctor , I was convinced I would be diagnosed with something serious.

It didn't help that , when I asked the doctor if there was any reason to worry , she remarked , " hopefully not, but one of your breasts seems lumpy.

She had uttered the word lump! I googled everything and added more fuel to my fear.

By the time I got home, I was not myself. 

They had scheduled me for an appointment three days later. That seemed to me the equivalent of waiting for a decade!

I decided to take matters in my own hand. I would call somewhere else and schedule a mammogram , the very next day. That way I could breathe easy, and just get it over with .

I started calling a few clinics. None of them had appointments for me! 

I got even more worked up. 

And then it happened. I heard a voice inside me say , Breathe!

As I took a deep breath, I felt myself calming down. I could feel the fog lifting now.

I said to myself ; Ok, so you have to do this test. Whatever the outcome is , You will be fine. 

I started repeating an affirmation of Louise Hay; 

" This situation is working out for my highest good. Out of this situation , only good will come "

This helped me immensely . I was able to accept that no matter what happened, the outcome would be good.

The next thing I started to do was express gratitude to my body. I accepted that I hadn't been taking care of it and felt a deep appreciation for how it still worked at optimum capacity. 

This helped me make a commitment to being more healthy. 

The three days went by fast. I was busy with the kids , and each time fear reared its head, I focussed on affirmations and gratitude. 

And then D day was here. I woke up with a tinge of fear. My inner voice told me, that everything would be alright. I accepted my fear instead of fighting it. That helped me feel normal. 

I made my way to the hospital , went through the motions of the test. I found myself studying the technician's expressions closely.  Had she found something? What was it?

And then I closed my eyes. I surrendered to God. I let go.

It was an hour long wait for the test results. 

I got myself breakfast and made my way to the gorgeous Singapore Botanical Gardens which were five minutes away.

As soon as I entered this treasure trove of nature , I forgot about everything. The massive trees, the beautiful orchids, the rich history. I was in awe. 

I felt insignificant and yet part of this wonderful universe. I made my way to the swan lake and picked a spot to meditate. 

It was beautiful! I sat for ten minutes in complete silence. I was distracted initially by the people passing by. I kept worrying if someone might grab my bag or do something to me. But as I continued meditating, I felt calm. I felt an inner voice telling me. " You don't have to control everything. You don't have to do it all. You can lean on me for support once in a while " 

That realisation was immense. My shoulders were weary of having to be strong , take the weight of so many things. I had forgotten to stop , rest and lean on for support.

I could lean on God, on my higher self, my family or even close friends. I could feel the last bit of fear melting away. 

As I opened my eyes, I saw a beautiful sight. The swans had made their way from the other side of the lake , to where I was. 

It was time for me to collect my reports.

I walked back to the hospital, savouring the walk, soaking into the insight from the Meditation.

I finally reached the counter and asked for my reports. 

I took them , walked a bit further and found a quiet spot where I could open them. As I opened them , I already knew what I would see. They were absolutely normal !

I messaged my husband and mom, and we heaved a collective sigh of relief. Gratitude was the predominant emotion we all had. 

We feel fear in many situations. As a Life coach, I too am not immune to it. However I have learnt slowly how to bounce back from it. You could call it my antidote for fear..

So here it is...

1) Accept the fear as normal and as a part of you. The harder you deny it, the harder it comes back .

2) Work with affirmations to silence the voice of fear. You can use the one I did or Google any one that suits you. 

3) Be grateful : express gratitude for anything related to your issue , or for life or for anything else. This creates a shift in energies and takes you away from the fear. 

4 ) Finally, meditate , and reflect. Spend ten minutes each day in quietitude. It may be difficult initially , but soon you will find yourself wanting more. 

And finally , as with all recipes , no one is THE right one. So feel free to create your own little antidote to deal with your fears! You know yourself the best anyway!

Living on a prayer

I used to pray , on bended knee

Only when I felt , something wrong happened to me

Make this right , fix this please 

Give me this , let my life be a breeze!

When my prayers went unanswered 

I felt let down

How could you , God , I trusted you

Do my tears and hard work mean nothing to you?

I used to pray , in difficult times

I would visit temples and bribe him with a dime 

And when he answered some of my prayers

I would feel alright ..

And yet , every now and then

An emptiness within would remain

I'm not doing something right , I felt

Just praying for my personal gain

When I was happy , I would pray

Dear God, let this happiness last ..

Let not the good times roll away fast..

And when they did , I felt betrayed 

Why didn't God keep my problems at bay ?

Until one day , I realised 

I had been doing it all wrong

Praying for this and praying for that

Surely , prayer wasn't meant for that.

I prayed for a friend one day

The next day , I prayed for humanity

I prayed that the trees would stay green

And I was filled with so much serenity

I prayed for him to give me the strength 

To solve my problems and live life with faith 

I prayed for him to give me the wisdom

To share my life with others who didn't have enough 

I prayed , to simply say Thank you !

For even in adversity , I learnt a lot

I prayed and learnt the power of surrender

I let go the need of wanting this and that..

And felt my fear melting away so fast..

I used to live with fear ,

And out of that fear , would come each prayer ..

Now I live with hope and faith...

And out of that faith comes each word of my prayer...

I just close my eyes , knowing that everything is divine surrender ..

And it's beautiful living on a prayer... 

Smile at the Universe!!

Ever since I moved to Kuala umpur, I have been walking a lot to drop my kids to and fro from school. On my daily walks,I see many familiar faces, regular joggers, dogs and of course, school-going kids.

As I walk , it is my habit to smile at people. Even if they are strangers, whether it’s a policeman, a maid on her way to work, I always smile.

A lot of people, smile back. There are some, who wish me “Good Morning” enthusiastically even before I can smile at them.

And then there are some people. They are so pre-occupied with where they are going. They seem to be looking straight ahead at nothing in particular. And when they approach you, they look even further away, as though they are studiously avoiding a smile. I know, they can see me from the periphery of their eye. I know , that they know I’m looking at them, about to smile or wish them.

And yet they move on, walking furiously towards their chores,  their destination. As I observe their faces, and expresson, some are lost in deep thought, some are melancholy, and some are just closed. They don’t want to let anyone in, least of all a smile from a stranger.

I want to smile at them. I want to tell them, Smile at the universe, it is waiting to smile right back at you!

You might say, to each his own. And what right do I have to expect a smile in return.

But , here’s the thing. How often do we go through life like that? Me included. We are furiously focussed on our goal. Walking ahead, so lost in our thought of the destination, that we don’t want to let anything get in our way. The smile from a stranger, A hug from a child, a phone call from a friend who you don’t have the time for.

And maybe we do miss so many things. Some opportunities, Some connections, the ability to take life slow, the leisure of stopping to smell the roses… I can go on and on…..

How many times do we shut out things, people, and so many other moments? Because they are distractions, or we just don’t have the time!!

Smiling at the Universe opens you up to all the good that life has to give you. The mere act of smiling at a stranger, saying yes to a detour, ushers in all the positivity that we deserve to receive. We can focus on our destination, and yet enjoy the path that takes us there.

Here’s something I wrote .and I hope that it may serve as an inspiration to you…

It’s a tough road everyday..

No time to watch the sun’s shining ray..

I know how much it means to you to reach your goal..

As in your life, you play many a complex role..

But STOP, and SMILE…it won’t cost a thing..

The universe wants you to appreciate everything..

You may be in a hurry, you may be running late..

But smile to watch the sweet girl running out the gate..

I know you are busy, and there is lots to do..

But there’s a cute dog on the street waiting to say hi to you…

It’s easy for me to say, I know I don’t walk your path..

But there’s a stranger who is waiting for your smile to light their heart…

Smile for yourself, It’s a selfish thing too

Because, as you smile at the universe, it will smile right back at you…

I need to reach my destination, I know that’s what you say…

And I have a mounting load of chores, and so many bills to pay..

A smile won’t slow you down,  it wont make you come last,,

Because fast is slow, and slow is fast

Just  remember, the journey is the reward!

Smile at yourself, and to no one in particular..

Just yell to a stanger, “Have a nice day! See you later!

Watch the bounce in your step grow

It’s sometimes nice to be slow..

And when you reach your destination, Smile!

Lend a hand to someone who has walked an extra mile..

Watch the magic unfold in your daily life..

All you have to do is just SMILE….

The Fault in our Stars- Book review

Shakespeare wrote: "The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, But in ourselves, that we are underlings”

That may be true for life, but for Hazel and Gus- the principal characters of the book,The fault IS in their stars.

It is easy to understand why John Greene changed the quote for his book title.
Two star-crossed lovers, meet in unlikely circumstances, and love blossoms. Can we call it 
love? Is it love, if it is felt between two adolescents? Can it be labelled a relationship, if the very foundation of it is rocked by Cancer?

On the face of it, The Fault in our Stars seems to be a story about Cancer. Yet it is anything but that. Cancer is relegated to the side-lines like an extra in a movie. It keeps popping up in the most annoying places, but never steals the show.

To me, it is a love story. A love, that’s so subtle, and shows so much maturity and restraint, that one would hardly imagine it to be between adolescents. And yet it is narrated through Hazel’s eyes. The language echoes the sentiments of their age, but their connection defies the years.

The book is peppered with small moments that make it endearing. Be it the first time Hazel makes eye contact with Gus, or the Night of the Broken Trophies, or the moment when they have their first real date.

You genuinely feel for the characters, be it Isaac, and his girlfriend woes, or the parents putting up a strong front, or the other main character in the book- THE book- An Imperial affliction.

An Imperial Affliction is not just a book in a book! What starts off as Hazel’s seeming obsession, slowly becomes a connection between Gus and Hazel, and finally overtakes it all  to become their raison d’etre

As a reader, this book takes you on a rollercoaster. The Ups are filled with witty repartees, and meaningful quotes. The downs are only yours when you realise that the Cancer never goes away.

As a writer, you learn how it’s possible to write moving literature without resorting to melodrama. You learn how a book can be so deep, and yet not take itself so seriously.

I cried when I read this book. Not because of the eventuality, but because Hazel and Gus moved something within me. I felt their pain. Just like Gus says; Pain, It demands to be felt. I felt their happiness. I felt them.

This book has come to mean many things to many people. To some, it serves as an inspiration to never stop living or loving. It helps a mom be honest to their child about cancer. And to some it becomes their own version of “An Imperial Affliction”.

And yet as I write this review, I feel like Hazel. Advertising my affection for the fault in our stars almost seems like a betrayal.

Read The Fault in our Stars at your own risk. It will touch you in places, you can’t imagine, and move you in ways you didn’t know were possible. 

But either way, remember that you will be Okay. Okay? Okay………….