What Treaure will you unpack today?

For the first time in 6 years, every box of belongings in our home is unpacked. As we moved multiple homes through the years, there was many a box that lay hidden beneath the surface.

Some of our possessions lie in the open; waiting for a place to belong to in our home, or maybe to move on to another home.

A nameplate that stayed with us through more than a decade of marriage. An old note from someone appreciating who I am. My own notes in diaries of an era long gone by.

With each memory I pick up, I relive a moment, visit a place, or meet my younger self. With each memory that I stumble upon, I laugh, cry and live.

I know I can’t keep them all. Some may need to be recycled. Some may serve somebody else now as well as they served me. Some, I will still hold on to as long as I live.

I feel a sense of release, and my mind transports me back to when I was 8 years old. My father would return from his travels abroad at midnight. We would be fighting sleep to help him unpack. The suitcase would be hastily opened. It would smell of far-away places that I longed to discover. That sweet smell would fill the room. And one by one, we unpacked all the goodies he would have got for us. Toys, clothes, gadgets, perfumes, chocolates and more. And then they would lie around the suitcase while our mom hustled us back to bed. “You can see them in the morning!” she would say. “I won’t put them away yet”.

I would take a long hard look at all the treasures had arrived, and I would say to my father. “I love unpacking the treasures”

Today I take a long hard look at all the treasures I have. They smell of familiar places I have been to; and of memories gone by.

And as nostalgia meets longing, and emotions are stirred, I say to my son, “I love unpacking the treasures”

What treasure will you unpack today from the memories of your life?

What will you lay open; to let go or move on?

What will you hang onto the pedestal of memories?

What will you give to someone else to make their own?

What treasure will you unpack today?

 

Today is one of those days....

Today is one of those days.

One of those days, where I question;

What am I doing with my life?

Is this the best I can do?

Is there more, I am missing.

Is this all I have to offer to the world?

Today is one of those days.

When my soul stirs with yet to be fulfilled dreams

My heart is heavy with the weight of my worries.

I’m tugged in far too many directions.

Leading to exhaustion and even inaction.

Today is one of those days.

I long to soak in the sunshine

My heart aches for the vibrance of a rainbow.

Or maybe for the pot of gold.

Am I asking for too much?

Today is one of those days

When I tell myself, I’ve waited for far too long.

Even when times were tough, I’ve sung along.

When is it going to be my turn to soar?

When am I going to walk out that open door?

Today is one of those days.

When I tell myself, I have walked far and deep

Reached into my soul, and have come out clean

I’m ready to fly; I can feel it in my bones.

But how? Where? the questions drone.

Today is one of those days

When I accept I’ve done the best I could do

And then I chin up and do some more.

My path may be foggy, it may be wrong.

But my journey will continue, it may take long.

Today is one of those days

When I accept I don’t know what to do..

And where to go?

And with that comes some peace & solace

As I embrace the gift of ambiguity with grace..

Today is one of those days….

Today is one of those days….

3 countries, A Big change, and Finding peace…

This year, we moved twice. In two different countries.  In a span of six months. Yes you read that right.  I can safely say, this has been the most stressful period of our lives.

This move came on the back of a few health scares too, and we were all recovering when we realised we may have to move.

My first reaction when my husband Amrit told me about this opportunity in the US was NO WAY!

We had just moved to Singapore from Malaysia, and our bags weren’t even fully unpacked.  Every cell in my body and mind was screaming NO! NO!  NO!

A million thoughts were racing through our minds. Were we unsettling the children too much? Were we being too reckless? The US seemed so far away and alien. Singapore was still closer to home ground.

The children were barely settled in their schools in Singapore, and it was time to uproot them again.

I hadn't been in Singapore long enough to give myself stability, and just didn’t feel like moving again.

But of course we decided to move. And we are here now! Looking back, I can view this period with amazement, and awe. Not because we actually pulled it off. Anyone can.

But because, we found out that there are many things we are capable of. And we don’t realise them until we are put from the frying pan into the fire.

My way of centering myself through this maze was to simply take things one day at a time.  Each day that I was in Singapore, I told myself. This is home. This is where I am today, and I am safe, and happy. And that’s all that matters.

This rubbed off on the kids too, and although they knew about the move, they did not let it affect their daily lives.

A lot of well-meaning people asked us questions.  Why did you move from Malaysia to Singapore if you had to move to the US? We learnt to not let that affect us. I would be lying if it didn’t.

The lens of gratitude helped us here. I became so grateful for a chance to live, and see Singapore because it truly is an amazing country. We loved our home there, and were so grateful for this short stay. That helped us not to keep going back and re-visiting the decisions of the past!

From hotel rooms to service apartments, and packing to unpacking and then packing again! It has been an adventure to say the least. But one thing remained constant. The fact that home was where the four of us were together. We were in this together, on the road, at our worst sometimes, or even at our best!

We are here now, and far from settled. But we are getting there, one day at a time. And I often get asked, “How do you look so much at peace? In the chaos of moving? “

Yes, there is chaos, and yet there is peace.

Chaos comes from movement, peace comes from acceptance.

Yes, there is stress, and yet there is gratitude

Stress due to new environment, and gratitude for all our experiences...

Yes, there is change, and yet there is a new beginning

A BIG change for all of us, but also a chance for a new beginning...

Yes, there is exhaustion, and yet there is exhilaration...

Exhaustion both physical and mental, yet exhilaration for the beauty that we get to see...

And finally,

Yes there is movement, and therefore there is growth...

We may have simply moved continents, but we have conquered many mountains in our mind!

Twisted....

Twisted

I love you, but I don’t want to live with you.

I like you, but not enough to fulfill my vow.

I hate you, but not enough to cut you out of my life.

I despise you, but not enough to move on with mine.

Twisted, bound, our lives are entwined.

The harder I let go, the firmer the knot.

Black and white is how it should be,

But all that exist are shades of grey.

What is right, and what is wrong?

Maybe nothing and everything all at once.

I wake up in the morning, and still miss you.

I want to update you of everything important in my life..

But twisted we are, cause I still don’t want to fight.

I don’t want to fight for our love..

For what it once was and what it could be one day..

People ask me, What happened to you both?

The ideal couple that couldn’t live up to its perfect image..

We were never perfect, always twisted.

Older and wiser, Now I know what we were,

I know we could never be, what we had set out to become.

Foolhardy, naïve, and all that we were.

Why didn’t we accept that we were not meant to be?

Hanging by a thread, we continued for eternity,

Till that frail thread that held us, almost snapped.

And now we are right where we began…

Working too hard to keep the thread whole,

Secretly hoping it breaks off on its own.

I love you, but I don’t want to live with you.

I like you, but not enough to fulfill my vow.

I hate you, but not enough to cut you out of my life.

I despise you, but not enough to move on with mine.

      Twisted is what we are, You and me.

 Still together and yet afar.

An open letter to the Mom who complained to me about my son…..

 

Dear Mom who complained to me...

You knocked on my door the other day, and asked me if my son had told me anything. When I looked clueless, you proceeded to inform me about what had conspired and culminated in my son kicking your child.

I want to thank you for bringing it to my notice. Else I wouldn’t have realised that my son lied to me. Covering up and burying a mistake that he made? Well surely that’s not normal.

The day that incident happened, I saw you discussing something in hushed tones with another mom. You became quiet as soon as I approached. I knew then that something had happened, and asked my son. But alas, he lied to me and acted as if nothing had happened!

Thank you for waiting three days to tell me about this incident. You went through the trouble to corroborate the incident with all the 6 boys who were playing together, and discussed with someone else’s Mom first before talking to me. If not for you, I would never have found out that my son lied to me.

Thank you for recounting to me the events that led to my child kicking yours. You told me in detail how all the kids were in a small tent, except my son, and how they weren’t being mean by not allowing him inside. There just wasn’t enough space! It helped me understand the situation much better.

Thank you for helping me realise , that my kid is probably going through a tough transition given that we moved countries, and I should spend even more time with him.

Thank you for telling me that he also tore a new tent that your boys had opened, and emphasising that it was brand new. Thank you for also declining my offer when I offered to buy a new one, and then when I insisted, thank you for saying that I could just buy the cheapest one available.

Thank you for highlighting this incident to me, if not for you, my son would never have learnt the consequence of lying to his parents. Thanks to you, I was able to tell my son, that he may do anything wrong outside, but he must must must tell his parents!

Thank you for making me realise that a group of 6 boys playing together with only a maid supervising them is a recipe for disaster. I should have learnt this two weeks back, when one of your boys hit my son in the head with a metal train. But, I was too busy letting children be children, to come and have a serious discussion with you.

Thank you for making me realise, that I want to stand by my son against the world in all his mistakes, and help him correct them, and never repeat them again. This helped us come much closer together.

And lastly, Thank you for complimenting my dress and telling me that I looked good at the end of the discussion. It really made my self-esteem soar.  

 

5 types of Moms you will meet at the playground

Over the last few years I have spent most of my evenings with my boys in the playground. This post has been achieved through some painstaking research , all done on the field while running behind an hyperactive toddler ! 

So read on , and please note that this is a work of fiction and any resemblance to any person living is merely a coincidence and completely accidental . 

The type A, I have it all together Mom:

This mom has it all together. She is a veteran at being a mom. Her kids are well behaved and listen at the first call . Everything in her life is systematic including their extra curricular activities  and play dates. Her children eat the most nutritious food and she keeps getting asked how she does it? Oh and did I forget to say she is an amazing home baker too! She loves kids ( seriously !) and takes care of all the children around too. at The envy of the playground :) but secretly all moms are afraid of her because she makes them feel seriously inadequate .

The Bindass ( carefree) Mom:

She couldn't be any more different from the type A Mom! She is the one who chats with her friends while her kids are running around. She isn't hovering around their every fall or every move. She is known to disappear for long periods of time but is never worried because there is always a Type A mom around to take care of her kids. She is a great mom , and is the envy of the others due to her effortless parenting style ! They all want to be like her but can't ! 

The in between Mom! 

This mom walks the tightrope between the type A mom and the Bindass (carefree )mom ! She wants to be Bindass (carefree )and effortless , but the mere shriek of her kids anywhere in the playground has her running over. She would like to be the type A mom , but she can't bake , nor can she be strict and her kids turn a deaf ear whenever she calls for them. She tries a bit of this and that and gives up to achieve something in between. That's why she is just that . An in between mom! This is the most common mom you will find and on the plus her kids totally adore her. 

The Hands-free Mom! 

This Mom has grown up kids over the age of ten or mostly teens who require none of her attention whatsoever .She is only at the playground to chat with her friends and offer her sage advice, or make lunch or coffee plans. Most moms are envious of her , as they long for the day when they too will be hands free , and she gives them hope that one day they too will be like her. She secretly wishes though , that her kids didn't grow up so fast, and happily takes care of the many kids at the playground ! 

The Working Mom! 

She is the one who shows up to the playground once in a while. She will also be the mom who looks and smells the best! She looks fresh, and is actually happy to accompany her child to the playground as its a rare occasion for her. She is out of the loop on many things and hence spends a lot of time asking numerous questions to the other Moms! She looks at the other moms with envy since they get to spend so much time with their kids. Little does she know that they look at her in a mixture of awe and envy, wondering how does she manage to do it all!

But needless to say, whatever type of mom you may be or may see around , one thing never changes! Their love and commitment to their children! And there's just so much to learn from each Mom !

I know which one I am .. And you ???

Antidote to fear !!!

For the last few months , I had a niggling pain in my breast. After months of procrastination , I scheduled a check up with my OB-gyn.

She met me for five minutes , checked me and asked me to do a mammogram , a USG, and a blood test.

Just hearing the word mammogram had me filled with dread. My heart was beating fast and tears welled up in my eyes. 

As I sat waiting for my blood to be drawn, my fear accelerated and by the time I left the doctor , I was convinced I would be diagnosed with something serious.

It didn't help that , when I asked the doctor if there was any reason to worry , she remarked , " hopefully not, but one of your breasts seems lumpy.

She had uttered the word lump! I googled everything and added more fuel to my fear.

By the time I got home, I was not myself. 

They had scheduled me for an appointment three days later. That seemed to me the equivalent of waiting for a decade!

I decided to take matters in my own hand. I would call somewhere else and schedule a mammogram , the very next day. That way I could breathe easy, and just get it over with .

I started calling a few clinics. None of them had appointments for me! 

I got even more worked up. 

And then it happened. I heard a voice inside me say , Breathe!

As I took a deep breath, I felt myself calming down. I could feel the fog lifting now.

I said to myself ; Ok, so you have to do this test. Whatever the outcome is , You will be fine. 

I started repeating an affirmation of Louise Hay; 

" This situation is working out for my highest good. Out of this situation , only good will come "

This helped me immensely . I was able to accept that no matter what happened, the outcome would be good.

The next thing I started to do was express gratitude to my body. I accepted that I hadn't been taking care of it and felt a deep appreciation for how it still worked at optimum capacity. 

This helped me make a commitment to being more healthy. 

The three days went by fast. I was busy with the kids , and each time fear reared its head, I focussed on affirmations and gratitude. 

And then D day was here. I woke up with a tinge of fear. My inner voice told me, that everything would be alright. I accepted my fear instead of fighting it. That helped me feel normal. 

I made my way to the hospital , went through the motions of the test. I found myself studying the technician's expressions closely.  Had she found something? What was it?

And then I closed my eyes. I surrendered to God. I let go.

It was an hour long wait for the test results. 

I got myself breakfast and made my way to the gorgeous Singapore Botanical Gardens which were five minutes away.

As soon as I entered this treasure trove of nature , I forgot about everything. The massive trees, the beautiful orchids, the rich history. I was in awe. 

I felt insignificant and yet part of this wonderful universe. I made my way to the swan lake and picked a spot to meditate. 

It was beautiful! I sat for ten minutes in complete silence. I was distracted initially by the people passing by. I kept worrying if someone might grab my bag or do something to me. But as I continued meditating, I felt calm. I felt an inner voice telling me. " You don't have to control everything. You don't have to do it all. You can lean on me for support once in a while " 

That realisation was immense. My shoulders were weary of having to be strong , take the weight of so many things. I had forgotten to stop , rest and lean on for support.

I could lean on God, on my higher self, my family or even close friends. I could feel the last bit of fear melting away. 

As I opened my eyes, I saw a beautiful sight. The swans had made their way from the other side of the lake , to where I was. 

It was time for me to collect my reports.

I walked back to the hospital, savouring the walk, soaking into the insight from the Meditation.

I finally reached the counter and asked for my reports. 

I took them , walked a bit further and found a quiet spot where I could open them. As I opened them , I already knew what I would see. They were absolutely normal !

I messaged my husband and mom, and we heaved a collective sigh of relief. Gratitude was the predominant emotion we all had. 

We feel fear in many situations. As a Life coach, I too am not immune to it. However I have learnt slowly how to bounce back from it. You could call it my antidote for fear..

So here it is...

1) Accept the fear as normal and as a part of you. The harder you deny it, the harder it comes back .

2) Work with affirmations to silence the voice of fear. You can use the one I did or Google any one that suits you. 

3) Be grateful : express gratitude for anything related to your issue , or for life or for anything else. This creates a shift in energies and takes you away from the fear. 

4 ) Finally, meditate , and reflect. Spend ten minutes each day in quietitude. It may be difficult initially , but soon you will find yourself wanting more. 

And finally , as with all recipes , no one is THE right one. So feel free to create your own little antidote to deal with your fears! You know yourself the best anyway!