She met me for five minutes , checked me and asked me to do a mammogram , a USG, and a blood test.
Just hearing the word mammogram had me filled with dread. My heart was beating fast and tears welled up in my eyes.
As I sat waiting for my blood to be drawn, my fear accelerated and by the time I left the doctor , I was convinced I would be diagnosed with something serious.
It didn't help that , when I asked the doctor if there was any reason to worry , she remarked , " hopefully not, but one of your breasts seems lumpy.
She had uttered the word lump! I googled everything and added more fuel to my fear.
By the time I got home, I was not myself.
They had scheduled me for an appointment three days later. That seemed to me the equivalent of waiting for a decade!
I decided to take matters in my own hand. I would call somewhere else and schedule a mammogram , the very next day. That way I could breathe easy, and just get it over with .
I started calling a few clinics. None of them had appointments for me!
I got even more worked up.
And then it happened. I heard a voice inside me say , Breathe!
As I took a deep breath, I felt myself calming down. I could feel the fog lifting now.
I said to myself ; Ok, so you have to do this test. Whatever the outcome is , You will be fine.
I started repeating an affirmation of Louise Hay;
" This situation is working out for my highest good. Out of this situation , only good will come "
This helped me immensely . I was able to accept that no matter what happened, the outcome would be good.
The next thing I started to do was express gratitude to my body. I accepted that I hadn't been taking care of it and felt a deep appreciation for how it still worked at optimum capacity.
This helped me make a commitment to being more healthy.
The three days went by fast. I was busy with the kids , and each time fear reared its head, I focussed on affirmations and gratitude.
And then D day was here. I woke up with a tinge of fear. My inner voice told me, that everything would be alright. I accepted my fear instead of fighting it. That helped me feel normal.
I made my way to the hospital , went through the motions of the test. I found myself studying the technician's expressions closely. Had she found something? What was it?
And then I closed my eyes. I surrendered to God. I let go.
It was an hour long wait for the test results.
I got myself breakfast and made my way to the gorgeous Singapore Botanical Gardens which were five minutes away.
As soon as I entered this treasure trove of nature , I forgot about everything. The massive trees, the beautiful orchids, the rich history. I was in awe.
I felt insignificant and yet part of this wonderful universe. I made my way to the swan lake and picked a spot to meditate.
It was beautiful! I sat for ten minutes in complete silence. I was distracted initially by the people passing by. I kept worrying if someone might grab my bag or do something to me. But as I continued meditating, I felt calm. I felt an inner voice telling me. " You don't have to control everything. You don't have to do it all. You can lean on me for support once in a while "
That realisation was immense. My shoulders were weary of having to be strong , take the weight of so many things. I had forgotten to stop , rest and lean on for support.
I could lean on God, on my higher self, my family or even close friends. I could feel the last bit of fear melting away.
As I opened my eyes, I saw a beautiful sight. The swans had made their way from the other side of the lake , to where I was.
It was time for me to collect my reports.
I walked back to the hospital, savouring the walk, soaking into the insight from the Meditation.
I finally reached the counter and asked for my reports.
I took them , walked a bit further and found a quiet spot where I could open them. As I opened them , I already knew what I would see. They were absolutely normal !
I messaged my husband and mom, and we heaved a collective sigh of relief. Gratitude was the predominant emotion we all had.
We feel fear in many situations. As a Life coach, I too am not immune to it. However I have learnt slowly how to bounce back from it. You could call it my antidote for fear..
So here it is...
1) Accept the fear as normal and as a part of you. The harder you deny it, the harder it comes back .
2) Work with affirmations to silence the voice of fear. You can use the one I did or Google any one that suits you.
3) Be grateful : express gratitude for anything related to your issue , or for life or for anything else. This creates a shift in energies and takes you away from the fear.
4 ) Finally, meditate , and reflect. Spend ten minutes each day in quietitude. It may be difficult initially , but soon you will find yourself wanting more.
And finally , as with all recipes , no one is THE right one. So feel free to create your own little antidote to deal with your fears! You know yourself the best anyway!
